Update: One Year Later

I looked at my watch today and looked at my blog today. Mind you not in the same perspective and not even in the same setting. What I found that was that another year had gotten behind me. So, now I set about to take a moment or more maybe less to reflect upon what has transpired in that amount of time. Simple, a lot! But, at the same time not much?

I jumped on the scale and that hadn't changed much. Surprising after having come off the biggest holiday of glut known to man. My hair is still the same maybe a few gray strands? However, I will smile internally as I pronounce them only to be blonde and then pluck them away even before the words have escaped my breath.

Yes, in that year I have moved that much further from my beginnings as we all have. Yet, I have not come that far. I find the same things make me chuckle. Like stupid people, bad cartoons and balloon animals. There are the Three Stooges, Caddy Shack and Brady Bunch. Even, Disco music, Tie Dye Shirts and Chuck Taylor All-Stars.

All of this makes me who I am. You mix it all up and this is what you get. Kind of like when you took all the colours of Play Dough and mixed them together. Logic and your art teacher told you it should come out Black. You, on your own, discovered that instead it came out a weird purplish brown shade that was not revolting as it may sound but rather, pleasant. So, that is where the similarity between all my mixed "colours" and Play Dough diverge. When you mix my "colours" together you suddenly find that is is not always so pleasant and often can be revolting. If you don't believe me look up there towards the top read it again, it is just who I am.

Why?

That is a perplexing question.

Someone once asked me, "Why do you write?"

I thought about that for a minute or so and returned the question. "Why do you breathe?"

The answer to both questions was and is the same. "Because, I have to."

I don't write necessarily for the benefit of others. Much the same as you don’t necessarily breathe for the benefit of others. I write whatever it is that comes to me when I am writing. That is not to say I can not or will not do assignment writing it is just not the first type of writing I aspire to. I can write about the trees or I can write about the current state of political unrest in the world. But, again this is not what I aspire to. If you asked me what it is I prefer to write I would have to say I lean towards dark wit sprinkled with the all too obvious vein of humour. Not everyone will get my particular brand of humour and that is just fine by me. For you see, I do not make the sky blue. I just accept that it is blue today and tomorrow barring clouds it will be blue, again. As in I do not make the doughnuts I just eat them because they are there. And, if they are covered with chocolate and filled with crème even better!

You see I could take sides with my writing but as in life… I prefer to stand in the middle and watch the volley. Occasionally, adding more than my two cents. I tend to find the good in everything while poking at the bad just enough to keep it close to the surface. Remember I am just like you except I choose to write. I want the same things as you.

So, what is that? Simple.

“Whirled peas, gloves and sappiness!”

Dribblings!?

Inspiration hit me like a Delta breeze, warm musty and a little too moist. I could write ‘til the cows come home or I could write about how the cows coming home or maybe, why the cows come home. But, who would read it? I could write about the real reason the sky is blue. Because… it just is. Or, I could write about the coming post-modern society. But, who cares? I could write about sports. Then again, I am not one of those guys who remembers dates and names and scores and records. I could write about fashion. Have you seen how I dress? I could write about population control. That wouldn’t offend anyone now would it? I could write about ice cream, who doesn’t like ice cream. Oh, wait I am semi-lactose intolerant myself? I could write to teach, I could write to learn, I could write to be funny… I am not a writer. I am not a teacher. I try to learn. Some say I am funny. Or I could just write. So, I find myself writing. I don’t know where my writing will take me but, I have a pretty good idea where it is going to take you.

Did I mention it wasn't really inspiration? Just a little gas. I should really have that checked.

A World without Blue Ice Cream?

Surely you jest? How would one survive with a lack of blue ice cream? Think for a minute how you would feel. It is 11 pm on a Wednesday night and you sally to the freezer only to find the blue ice cream is gone!!! You look at the clock, again, because you have forgotten the fact we just established it was 11 pm, and decide if you left right now you could get to the store before they close to get more blue ice cream. So, off you dash in desperate attempt to get more blue ice cream. You arrive at the store just in time to see the last carton of blue ice cream being purchased by an overly sensitive looking young man devoid of any outward emotional attachment. And, this gets you to thinking maybe I can bum some from him? Maybe, just one, right? Maybe, just maybe, you can huddle together outside and enjoy a few scoops? So, you ask and he agrees after all you both share a common love of the same odd brand. Outside you go. You stand huddled together like dirty old men at a swimming pool. It is raining now, so people look at you like you are crazy and you know you are. You new friend tells you that he has been all over town and this is the last carton of blue ice cream in the whole city and maybe by now the state or further. He says since the story broke on the news about the ban on blue ice cream he has been out looking for more. You ask about the ban and he says they banned it because it is not healthy. Then you realize that they are right it isn’t healthy…

Now imagine this same scenario but instead of blue ice cream we are talking about cigarettes! What then?

Bullfrogs & Buffalo Toes!

I don't know where I am going with this? Do you? Good!

I was watching old movies the other day specifially "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise" and got to thinking abou tmovie quotes.
Again to be specific: Ogre: What if uhh... C-A-T, really spelled dog?
And that lead me back to a conversation last week about another quote from one of the best baseball movies ever The Sandlot and one of the best quotes ever:
Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?
Smalls: I haven't had anything.
Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more!
Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls!

Which made me think of other movie quotes...

Pretty Woman - Vivian: In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.
and of course,
Old Lady at Opera: Did you like the opera, dear?
Vivian: It was so good, I almost peed my pants!
Edward Lewis: She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.

Jumanji - Probably the best quote in the whole movie!?
Alan Parrish: I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares. Things you can't even imagine. Things you can't even see. There are things that hunt you in the night. Then something screams. Then you hear them eating, and you hope to God that you're not dessert. Afraid? You don't even know what afraid is.
and
[after Alan jumps onto Carl's cruiser] Alan Parrish: What year is it?
Carl: It was brand new.

I think we should all try to quote a movie a day in our lives. Wouldn't it make things a little more interesting? Tomorrow I think I will use "Get the Flock out of here!" from this quote...
Reverend Flavel: Blaspehmy! Shakespeare must go! So sayeth the Shepherd! The Flock Members: SO SAYETH THE FLOCK!
Reverend Flavel: And what sayeth you, Mr. Carter?
Carter: [very angry at this point] Get the Flock out of here! [the students all start cheering] Reverend Flavel: This means war! HOLY WAR! Flock! FOLLOW!
and of course that is from Porky's II: The Next Day

Wait for it...

The importance of LOGISTICs

Have we been here before? Oh, yes my friend who had the logicectomy! Remember now?

Did you have to write that speech? You know the one where you forced to explain in all consuming detail how to do something? Okay, so now you are with me. Did you like so many of think you were picking something routine and mundane. Maybe, even like me you chose the "How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich" speech? Which, as it turns out is not that routine or mundane. Even though you and I both now that freshman year in college you could make them while drunk in the bathroom hugging the porcelain altar that we all "routinely" come to to pray. (if you don't remember it went like this... Please, oh...ghlgh God don't let me throw.....blatttt) But, when it came time to give that speech your instructor undoubtedly sat back much like mine did and smiled that smile that says you aren't getting away with this. The one that makes you confess to stuff your friends did! And she waits. She waits the entire five minutes it takes you to explain the fine details of making your master piece. Then you get it.
She says,"So, you get some bread?"
You,"Yes." Slightly puzzled.
"Where did you get the bread?"
"It was right there..." Not so puzzled now because you now realize that you can't come back from this...
"Yes, but you didn't tell us to get the bread out."
You feebly try to give the answer we all no is true,"I don't know. It's just always there on the counter."
Forget it you are sunk!

So, what do you do next time you make a good ole PB&J? We replay that speech in our head! And the damn sandwich comes out just fine! So...

all I have to say is AMEN and pass me another BEER!

The once was a man from Nantucket...

And... other slightly slanted views on life!

On your way to work today did you see that guy or girl? You know the one you always see in the same place at the same time everyday! Do you think about them sometimes? And when they are not there do you find yourself wondering if they are okay and thinking "I hope they are okay" or "Wonder if they are sick?" Now, have you ever though about turning around and following them? Not as a stalker, neccessarily. But, just to see where they go? Maybe, you could follow them home see wher ethey live, how they live. I think about this sometimes. And I thought you had problems!?

When you wake up tomorrow morning I want you to take a moment and think about something. Anything, really! I just want you to think. Trust me it won't hurt and if it does well, they have doctors for that. Seriously, take a minute and think about the last time you engaged in a serious game of tag! Or the last time you play red-rover or ring-around-the-rosey or kickball orhop-scotch or teatherball??? Why other than kickball (www.worldkickball.com) why do adults not take time to enjoy these games any more?

...I think tonight I will go home and play with myself!

Now I know I am not alone! (trust me it's not that deep)

Okay, finally it has been mentioned on TV so I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts!

Adam Carolla on a commercial for his new show "Too Late with Adam Carolla" talked about having seen millions of squirrels but never having seen one poop. While he had never seen a horse not pooping?

I have actually had several conversations on this very topic, at length. Yes, I will admit some of them after the mass intake of, as a good friend of mine puts it, "fermented barley sodas." I would really like to see this. I mean does anyone possess a picture of, or better yet actual video footage of this alleged act? I mean for the love of Pete I have seen a worm poop with out provocation! I've seen birds do it! I've seen my kid do it! Why haven't I seen a squirrel do it?

It is sad that I have to find that I am not alone from Adam Carolla. I mean he is funny and all that and might even make a few woman swoon but really? Adam Carolla!!! Why not Angelina Jolie? And I mean Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mrs. Smith http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0356910/Ss/0356910/MMS406R.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Jolie,%20Angelina or even Lora Croft http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0325703/Ss/0325703/TR2-1381.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Jolie,%20Angelina and not Angelina Jolie as Miss Billy Bob! http://www.superiorpics.com/pictures/AngelinaBBT88213272.jpg

And as a side note can you teach my wife to hold two nuts in her mouth and like it?

The Beer Prayer

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration

Our Lager,Which art in Barrels

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)

at home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration

but deliver us from hangovers.

for thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

Barmen.

Thoughts on common sayings

"S/He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag."
Well, if s/he was indeed small enouhg to fit into the paper bag, it might prove difficult to fight her/his way out.

"S/He got up on the wrong side of the bed!"
What if your bed is in the corner? Do you then have a "wrong" side?

"Go my mojo working!"
I have looked every where I can think of and can not find a mojo mechanic. I find deisel mechanics, small engine mechanics, but alas no mojo mechanics anywhere! So where does one get their mojo working?

"Kick the bucket!"
Just make sure it is not the one you are mixing plaster in. OUCH!

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes."
I am just not sure about this one!?

"Put on your thinking cap."
I am going to go out and buy one of these. Mine all advertise beer or college teams. Hmm, maybe there is a connection?

"Put your best foot forward."
This would have to be my left foot? I think. My right foot is little weird looking. But, it would depend on what shoes I am wearing.

"Pulls out all the stops."
Now do you not know that this is just a bad idea! I mean think about how dangerous that could be!

"Skin of your teeth."
If you have skin on your teeth seek immediate dental assistance... and buy a damn tooth brush already!

"Strike a deal."
Just between you and I they don't burn as well as matches.

"Well Heeled"
Again, depends on what shoes I am wearing.

"You can't take it with you.!"
Then you need a bigger trailer.

"Your name is mud."
Nice to meet you, mud! My name is yob!

and finally...

"Zero Tolerance"
What happened to one tolerance?

Just all a little to random for me!?

Becasue you asked...Why? What? Where? When? How?

Why?
Because, I can!

What?
You tell me!

Where?
Everywhere!

When?
Now and forever!

How?
Easy!

The world according to Carp!?

Let's imagine for a moment that fish are the intelligent species?
Now further let us surmise that the Fish now exist in their current location but there is no water. We, the now subservient species the homo sapiens live where we do now but instead of the gaseous state we live in we now swim in the water. And we can not talk or communicate in our standard fashion which we refer to as talking. The fish talk but it sounds vaguely like a Chinese Pig-Latin with some Hebrew inflections. All we have are, you guessed it, bubbles!? What kind of fish would you be? And who would be the White Race among Fish and for that matter how would other races be represented?

Things to ponder next time you are in the pool!?

Randomness!?

What if the sky was not blue? What if we woke up and everyday we wished for orange skies? And in those orange skies the sun appeared blue? What then?

What do I find funny? That is a good question. Normally, I find other people funny, especially, ignorant people. People who have no sense of humor.

People who do not believe in logics.
For example a girl I know claims to not believe in logics??? I know and so do you! We had a debate. Well, that is not exactly a fair terminology as debates should have two sides to the argument and that would only be logical. Which in this case we are not allowed to apply!? We used the simple problem of going from point A to point C. Which, for the case of this argument we will place one mile away from each other as the crow flies. To make it interesting we also added in a point B. This point is to be located off the straight line between A & you guessed it C. For the sake of this non-debated I asked her what is the quickest route from A to yes, C? And let us for a minute assume there are no other variables such as speed limits, wind or lack of gas!!! Okay, now between you and I let’s allow the use of logic!? Shh! Don’t tell her. Logics would tell us that going directly form A directly to C is… You guessed it LOGICAL!!! In her twisted, I don’t believe in logics, and you can’t make me mind she tries to say that going thru point B is better. I will leave you to decide, logics or flippant thinking?

That’s all, for now!

Shakespeare and Blogs?

Do you think our friend Shakespeare would have found the whole process of blogging a bit mundane. Or do you think he might have in fact found it cathartic?

Which I think is the best term to use here as I have been told that I often suffer from diarrhea of the mouth!?

Of course until I decide what to blog on about I will just post trivial little thoughts here and there and pose questions when I deem it to be neccessary.

Well I never...

Thought that I too, one day would start a blog. I mean aren't those for soccer moms and college kids with nothing but time and daddy's money to waste? Well, I am not a soccer mom and I am...let's just say out of college now. But, alas here I am making my first entry into the somewhat (looking around, yup) crowded world of the BLOGs.

I am not sure what this will be about or how long it will go on. But, as the title might suggest, It's my world! Isn't it?